


The Story of a Troubled Love (Bucky's POV)

by melissa6592



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-10-31 13:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10900104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melissa6592/pseuds/melissa6592
Summary: I wrote a portion of the story in Bucky's point of view, it's only the Bucharest part. If you haven't read the original story it probably won't make any sense.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s been a year since I’ve lived in Bucharest. I got a job when I got here because I wanted to stay for a little bit and I couldn’t sleep on the streets anymore. They pay pretty decent so I can afford an apartment. The most important part about the job though, is they don’t ask questions and given my history it’s for the best. I just got my pay yesterday and I went out to buy some groceries. I hate going out, anyone could be looking for me and I always feel a pair of eyes watching me. Even when I’m inside I still feel like someone found me and they’re going to arrest me or worse. 

I’ve been trying to rebuild whatever was left of my life. I spent my time tracking down any information I can get about myself, it wasn’t easy finding about what happened to me, but it’s important to know my past. I’d rather remember even if it brings pain. Sometimes I remember on my own; either the memory comes back while I’m conscious or I dream about it. I don’t know which way is worse. Every time I get a new memory I write it down in case I forgot again.

I’m walking home from the store constantly on the lookout for anything suspicious. It’s been two years since I’ve been on the run and nobody has ever found me but I never let my guard down. As I’m walking I see families and couples and friends talking and laughing and enjoying each others’ company. I try not to think about it so much because it makes me feel alone. I am alone. I don’t have anybody but myself. I ruined my relationship with the man I loved by trying to kill him. I can understand why he’d never want to see me again. I was supposed to protect him, but I failed. If he hadn’t made me remember him, I would’ve killed him; he would have been dead because of me. 

Then there was another friend I had, but I fucked that up too by trying to kill her. She told me she doesn’t blame me for it, but she should. I’m too dangerous to be around her even now. At any moment this could all go to hell and all my attempts at a new life will be gone. People are looking for me, I’m sure of it. Hydra was blown to the ground a couple of years ago, but I know better. They will come back, they always do. 

Something feels off. Not that there’s ever a time where I don’t feel that way, but it seems more off than usual. I look over my shoulder. Something catches my eye. There’s a person in a navy blue sweatshirt that I swear I’ve seen a couple of blocks ago. Maybe it’s my paranoia but I think they’re following me. I start to panic. I think of my backpack in the floorboards, I’m going to have to shake this person off, run to my apartment, grab the bag, and run. I knew I stayed here too long, I shouldn’t have gotten so comfortable. 

I ruined everything, my life is going to go straight back to hell. I can’t let that happen. I walk down the street and I see the person is still following me. I turn into the alleyway and wait. They turn the corner and I grab them and push them against the wall. I see the person’s face and it’s my old friend Cassidy. I let her go immediately. “What are you doing here?” I ask, but I already know the answer. “I was looking for you.” She responds. I sigh and walk away hoping she doesn’t follow, but she does. She shouldn’t be here, but I don’t tell her to leave.

I’m at my apartment with Cassidy behind me. I’m embarrassed to let her inside. It looks exactly how I feel; old, and dirty, and falling apart. We can’t just stay outside so I open the door. “How long have you been living here?” I can hear the pity in her voice. I give her a simple answer, “About a year.” I go to my fridge to put away my groceries. I see her move closer to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder. I didn’t realize how much I longed for physical contact. She asks me if I’m okay. 

No, of course I’m not ok, I’ve been on the run for two years hiding from everybody while living in constant fear that somebody would find me and take me back to Hydra. I’ve dreamt almost every night about the horrors of my past; reliving every painful memory as if it was happening for real. I’m haunted by the screams of my victims as I took the life from them. I’ve felt the cold from the cryostasis and the pain in my head as the machine ripped it to pieces. I remember every needle that was stuck inside of me while Zola was experimenting on me and feeling as if I was burning alive. I wake up screaming almost every night and can hardly breathe during the day because I can’t stop thinking about it. Sometimes I stay up at night because I’m afraid to go to sleep. My life will never be like it was before. This is my life now and I have to learn to live with it.

I don’t say any of this out loud but I find myself crying on Cassidy’s shoulder. She has her arms around me and I hear her telling me everything will be fine. I want to believe that that`s true, but I can`t. I let go of her and turn around. My face feels hot, that was embarrassing. I`m so used to not showing emotion around others that it makes me uncomfortable to think about her seeing me cry. I hear her walking and pulling out the chair to sit down. I wipe my face with my sleeve. Cassidy asks me if I ate anything. I just shake my head and she suggests we go out to eat. I don`t want to be around people right now. I tell her that I don`t want to go outside. “I can make us something.” I say to her. We eat without saying a word. I’m so used to the silence that it doesn’t bother me. When we’re done we put the dirty dishes in the sink. 

Whenever I look at her all I can think about is the time I tried to kill her. I’ve dreamt about that too, sometimes my mind fucks with me by changing the memory so I end up actually killing her. Same thing happens with Steve. I go to sit on the couch so I don’t have to look at her. I never wanted to hurt her, she didn’t deserve that. She was good to me and during my time at Hydra she made me feel calm. I know it’s not that big of a deal for any normal person, but I wasn’t normal, I was always confused, or angry, or lost. Not when I was around her though, the questions in my head stopped. I don’t know what it was about her, maybe it was the fact that she didn’t treat me like they did; she treated me like I was human. Maybe it was her warm smile she gave me every time she looked at me. I want to tell her how grateful I am for that, but I’m not sure how. 

“I’m sorry I tried to kill you,” I tell her. “It’s ok; I know it wasn’t your fault.” She doesn’t know how badly I want that to be true. She gets up and sits beside me. “Look, I know what Hydra did to you. All those people you killed; it wasn’t your fault, it’s theirs.” I know she will never know how I feel and I hope she never does. “I was still there, I pulled the trigger. I know what it’s like to kill someone, to end someone’s life while they’re begging you not to kill them.” She doesn’t respond, she just puts her arm around me and lays her head on my shoulder. It feels nice to have human contact and to be able to talk to someone. I don’t want her to let go, I want to stay like this forever; in the arms of someone who cares about me and wants me to feel better. I almost start crying again, but I hold back my emotions. 

After a long while she gets up. “I should go; I need to look for a place to stay.” I would have asked her to stay with me, but looking around my room I think it’s better that she goes to a hotel or something. She hugs me again, says goodbye, and leaves. I don’t move for a few minutes still feeling the ghost of her hug. I know she can’t stay here long; I can’t let her, in case something were to happen I didn’t want her to get in the middle of it. The fact that she found me makes me wonder who else is going to find me.


	2. Chapter 2

Tonight I dream about them again. I’m sitting in the chair and Pierce is asking me questions I don’t know the answer to. I see Cassidy standing there looking terrified. Earlier that day I wandered off looking for something. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but now I know I was looking for my old life; I was trying to go home. I was in a city close to Brooklyn which was their mistake for bringing me too close, but of course I had to be the one to be punished. 

I start feeling the dread rush through my body; I know what’s coming and I can’t stop it. I don’t realize it’s a dream because it feels so real otherwise I would of tried to wake up. I hear the words that will haunt me forever, “Wipe him.” A pair of cold hands pushes me back, there’s nothing I can do to stop them. They give me the mouth guard to muffle my screams. When I hear the noise of the machine whirring I start to breathe hard and feel a rush of panic course through me. My body shakes with fear; the fear of the pain that's coming and knowing that all my memories will be taken from me. That feeling is replaced by excruciating pain. My head is being ripped apart from the inside and the pain spreads to my whole body. 

I wake up still screaming from the torture. I sit up shaking and crying. My head is pounding. This is how most of my nights go, others aren’t as bad as this, but they’re not great either. I want the pain to go away; I don’t want to live like this anymore, but I don’t deserve that. I’m suffering for all the people I killed because I can’t die until I make up for what I did, I owe them that much. I will spend the rest of my life making things right. I will never hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it; I will never kill anyone without a purpose. When I’m ready I’ll find Steve and help him in saving the world from evil; the same evil that made me who I am today. I will make sure that this doesn’t happen to anyone else.

After I regain control of my emotions I get up to take a shower, passing by the shattered remains of the mirror. Last time I looked at my reflection I didn’t recognize myself. I saw someone that looked like me, but he looked tired and a lot older than I am. His hair was too long and his expression was sullen. That’s not me or at least not who I’m supposed to be. It wasn’t who I was before; happy, carefree, and hopeful for the future. Now all I can see is a broken man and a murderer. I wanted to look away from this stranger in the mirror, but I couldn’t stop so I smashed the glass. 

I peel of my clothes and get into the shower. I scrub every inch of me wishing I can wash the blood off of my hands, but no matter hard I try it will never go away. I rinse the shampoo out of my hair and the soap off my body. I stay in the shower for a while longer feeling the hot water on my skin and I wait until the water gets cold, like I do every time I shower. It’s always hard to leave because it’s easy to pretend that my life is normal, like I’m back home in my old Brooklyn apartment getting ready for a double date. 

I remember that look Steve used to give me when I told him we were taking a couple of girls out. He used to hate it, but I told him it’s good practice for when he wants to date someone for real. I didn’t want to admit it to him, but the real reason I took him with me is because I didn’t want him to be alone. I miss those times when it was just me and Steve sharing an apartment together. I miss coming home from work and seeing him on the couch drawing a picture in his sketchbook or taking a nap. 

I feel tears sting my eyes and I stop myself from thinking about Steve and our old life; it’s too painful. Sometimes I wish I had just died when I fell off the train, at least it would have hurt less. I think about that day a lot, remembering how I used to think dying was the worst fate that could happen to me. I didn’t know at the time that there was anything worse than death but I know now, I’ve lived it. When I get out of the shower I grab a towel to dry my body and hair and wrap the towel around myself and put up my hair. After I get dressed I go to sit on the couch and stay up for the rest of the night. 

After a few hours I see some light sneaking through the newspaper covered windows. I’m not sure why I covered them, it’s not like anyone would be able to see me up this high, but it makes me feel a little secure. I get up to stretch and I hear a knock on my door. I freeze forgetting for a second that I met up with Cassidy the day before. Half of me hoped that it never happened and I just imagined it, but the other half of me was glad it was real. I open the door to let her in. She smiles when she sees me. I try to return that smile but fail. 

We go to a café for lunch. She asks me why I came to Romania. I told her it was because that’s where my mom is from. I’ve been here once when I was about 7 years old, I don’t remember it much. I always used to think that when I was older and had a family of my own I’d take them to visit here, but that never happened. Whenever I think about my old life I get this weird feeling that it’s not even mine.

“Well, it’s a beautiful place.” “I never noticed,” I probably did think so at some point in my life, but now everything seems so dull. “Sometimes you have to stop and look around.” I shrug; I wish I could be as optimistic as her. Cassidy takes out her phone. I know it’s a phone because I’ve seen people use it before, although I’ve never owned one. “What are you doing?” “I’m just taking some pictures.” “With your phone?” I’m still not sure what people can do with phones other than calling. She laughs, “There’s a lot you need to catch up on.” Yeah, there is. So much has changed; I haven’t got around to learning about these times. I’ve been too busy relearning everything about myself that I sort of shut out the world around me.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day she asks me if I want to go the book store with her. I don’t care much about books but I’ll go wherever she wants, I like having her around. It’s nice not being alone all the time. It’s also a good distraction from my nightmares. Last night I dreamt about darkness and silence. I couldn’t hear or see anything; I couldn’t move and I couldn’t scream. This could be from a few things; when I was held captive by Hydra they strapped me down and left me in the dark when Zola wasn’t experimenting on me, or when Hydra found me after I fell they put me in a room, I think they drugged me because I felt like gravity was two times stronger, but I was still awake and I couldn’t see or hear anything, or it could be when I was in cryo freeze.

I haven’t been paying attention on our way to bookstore and Cassidy hasn’t said anything at least not that I know of. We get to the store and she starts looking around. I follow her because I don’t what else to do. She picks up books and reads the back. She looks happy; I guess she really likes books. I stare at her hoping that some of her happiness gets transferred to me, but I feel nothing.

“Do you like to read?” She asks me. “I used to.” Steve was more of a reader than I was, he just lent me his books sometimes. That crushing feeling is back whenever I think about my old life. I feel my eyes stinging but I can’t cry, not here. I try to distract myself. I continue to follow Cassidy around the bookstore. Finally she settles on a book with rose and a piano on the cover.

After she pays for the book we say goodbye outside the store. Before she leaves I let her know that I have to work tomorrow and won’t be done until five. She hugs me tight and when we break away she kisses me on the cheek. When she turns to leave I smile a little, but my smile quickly fades, she can’t stay any longer, if I don’t tell her soon I won’t be able to later. I know she has feelings for me and I don’t want to break her heart, but it’s better than getting her killed. I want to protect her even if means staying away from her. It will hurt to let her go, but it will hurt even more if I’m the cause of her death. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to keep her safe.

I just got home from work and my muscles ache, but it feels good. After I shower I eat something before Cassidy gets here. She comes at 6:00 and wants to walk around the city. I’m not really comfortable with being outside and in the open, but I go anyways. She tells about the monument that I passed by a hundred times and never knew the name of. It has something to do with revolution that happened in 1989. It reminds me of when I would tell my dates random facts in an attempt to impress them. It starts to rain a little; I don’t mind it and Cassidy doesn’t seem to either so we don’t leave. 

I notice two women pushing a baby carriage. I look around to see if anyone else’s is looking, but everybody walks past them like they’re regular people. I start get nervous. What if someone thinks they’re together and tries to attack them? But then I remember that this isn’t the 40’s and things have probably changed. I think back to that time when people like them, people like me, were illegal. Not only that but we were hated by almost everyone. I was able to get away with it because I was bisexual so I could pretend that I was only into girls, but it was still hard. 

“You know, same-sex marriage became legal everywhere in the United States on June 26, 2015 and in 2005 in Canada.” I look at her shocked. Finally there’s something good about this future. I almost smile, but I think back to all the people who’ve died because of who they were and how they could have been happy if they were treated like a normal person and were able to marry who they loved. 

It starts to rain really hard and we can’t ignore it any longer. Cassidy seems to enjoy being in the rain as we're walking back to my apartment . When we get there she tells me she wants to take a shower and change her clothes. I give her one of my sweaters. “Thanks, I’ll be right back.”

I’m sitting on the couch writing down Cassidy just old me about same-sex marriage being legal while I’m waiting for her. Hearing the water running from the shower triggers a memory; I’m remembering a time when I had a girlfriend over and she was taking a shower while I was sitting on my bed waiting. I remember thinking I’m the luckiest guy on earth. I can’t believe there was a time where I ever thought I was lucky. This is a new memory for me so I turn the page and write it down. I try to remember every detail. 

The girl was pretty; she had short brown hair, green eyes, and freckles, but I can’t recall her name. Earlier that day I took her out on our third date then I took her home. I had the house to myself because Steve was at his art class. Everything worked out perfectly that day. While I was waiting for the girl I was thinking about what we did; the feeling of her body on top of mine, the feeling of her bare skin against mine, and her lips on my lips. I felt happy. I don’t remember what that feels like anymore. 

Cassidy returns from the shower wearing my sweater. It’s so big it almost falls to her knees. She has her hair up in a bun. “Your sweater is so comfortable, I think I’m going to keep it.” I’m not really paying attention to what she’s saying because I’m still trying to write down everything I know about that memory. She sits beside me and I put it away before she sees what’s inside. “I was kidding,” She says. She was probably just trying to make me laugh, but I don’t know how to do that anymore. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks. Everything is wrong, but I don’t know how to tell her. “Nothing.” She leans closer to me, “You can tell me.” I turn to look at her, wishing I can explain exactly how I feel, but not even I know for sure. Her face is really close to mine and I can smell my soap on her skin. I look into her grey-blue eyes. She leans forward and I almost close my eyes and let her kiss me. But I can’t, I move away from her and I get up. She apologizes and goes in back into the bathroom. I turn around so I don’t have to face her; I hear her come out of the bathroom and walk out of my apartment. It’s time to tell her she has to leave, I can’t tell her the truth because I know she wouldn’t go if I do, I’ll have to say something that will make her want to go. I’m not looking forward to hurting her, but it’s for her own good.

The next day I hear a knock on my door. I was hoping she’d just leave without another word and I wouldn’t have to tell her. I open the door. “Hi,” she says as her face gets red. I don’t let her in. “I don’t think you should come here anymore,” I try my best to say that with as little emotion as possible. “Can’t we just forget about what happened yesterday?” “I know how you feel about me, and I just don’t feel the same way,” I feel sick saying this, it’s not true. “I get that and I’m ok with us just being friends.” She’s not making this easy. “I don’t want you to come here.” “Oh.” That look on her face kills me. “Ok, fine, I won’t come back again,” She turns and walks away. 

After she leaves I close the door. I can hardly breathe or move. The look on her face when I told her I didn’t want her to stay shatters my heart into a million pieces. My only friend left in this broken messed up world and now she’s gone. She’ll move on eventually and I’ll be nothing more than a memory. The thought of that crushes me. I lean against the door and slide down onto the floor. I put my face in my knees and cry. I’m alone again. But this is how it’s supposed to be, I don’t belong to anyone and I never will. Someone like me doesn’t get a happy ending. I don’t deserve one, not after everything I’ve done.


	4. Chapter 4

I had another nightmare. This time I dreamt about one of my victims. They begged me not kill them and they tell me they have a family they need to take care of. Those words meant nothing to me all I knew was I had to complete the mission. I looked them in the eye while I put a bullet through their head. 

I barely get through my day, getting up in the morning to get ready for work is always a difficult task. I feel numb and disassociated with the world around me. I didn’t realize how lonely and empty I felt until she was gone. I have to get back to my normal routine again. I can’t let my feelings of despair consume me. 

I do my job without saying a word to anyone unless it was unnecessary. I eat my lunch alone; most of us do anyway. When my shift is over I head to my apartment. I eat dinner alone like I used to. This is my life now and I have to accept it. I keep looking at my door like she’s going to come back, but I know she never will. She’s smarter than that to waste her time on me. I can’t give her anything, only endless suffering. I could never be the person she wants me to be. 

After paying my bills I have some money left to spend for myself. I go to the fruit stand to buy some plums I heard it helps with your memory. I thank the vendor and start to walk back to my apartment. I notice a man at the newspaper stand staring at me. What if he recognizes me? What if he’s an undercover Hydra agent? I need to leave, I should have left yesterday after Cassidy left, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. The man at the stand runs away so I know he’s not part of Hydra. He was reading something in the paper that made him run. 

I go to check out what it is and when I pick up the paper I see myself on the cover. That can’t be me I was here the whole time or at least I think I was. There’s no way I could get to Vienna and back in under a few hours. I have to get back to my apartment and get my stuff, it’s time to go. Someone will find me for sure. I start toward my apartment and I think about my life here. Everything I worked for to live a somewhat normal life. All of it will be gone soon. 

I see Cassidy walk up behind me. Shit, no, she’s not supposed to be here. Why is she here? People are coming for me. “It wasn’t me,” I say to her. “I know I came here to tell you that they’re looking for you and you have to leave.” “I have to go back to my apartment first.” “There’s no time for that, the police are coming now.” I don’t want to explain why I have to go back so I just ignore her.

We make it back without anyone finding us. I see that my door has been opened. “Wait here,” I tell Cassidy. If someone’s in there to attack me I don’t want her to get caught in the middle of it. When I walk inside I find Steve reading one of my notebooks. My heart stops. I haven’t seen him since I tried to kill him two years ago. I don’t know what to say. I imagined this day countless times; I rehearsed what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and how many nights I dreamt about him. I wanted to let him know how much he means to me and how sorry I was that I almost killed him. But I said none of this; I just stood there frozen with my heart trying to beat out of my chest. 

When Steve turns around he asks, “Do you know me?” I choose my words carefully maybe if I don’t let on that I still care about him he’ll leave and get himself out of my mess. I don’t want him to get hurt because of me. “You’re Steve, I read about you in a museum.” That’s actually true, after the supposed fall of Hydra I went to this museum where there was an exhibit featuring Captain America. I saw that I was in the exhibit and it told me I was best friends with Steve since I was a kid. It also told me I fought against Hydra and died during battle. I couldn’t remember any of that at the time, all I remembered was Steve. Little Steve who always picked fights with the wrong people, who never stopped fighting for what he believes in, the same kid I was supposed to protect and have his back. 

Now he stands in front of me. I feel like he’s a stranger to me; I don’t know him and he doesn’t know me. “I know you’re nervous and you have plenty of reason to be. But you’re lying.” Maybe he knows me more than I think. “I wasn’t in Vienna. I don’t do that anymore.” “Well the people who think you did are coming here now and they’re not planning on taking you alive.” I start to feel a rush of panic. Of course they wouldn’t let me live not after everything I did. 

“That’s smart, good strategy,” I try to hide my fear. “This doesn’t have to end in a fight, Buck.” Steve of all people should know that that’s not true, it will never be true. I will never be able to end this fight. I will always have to keep running and fighting to get away. There will never be a moment in my life where I can live in peace. I take off my gloves and sigh, “It always ends in a fight.” “You pulled me from the river, why?” “I don’t know,” I saved his life because that’s what I do; I couldn’t let him die. “Yes, you do.” The front door opens and Steve lifts his shield. I turn around and see it’s Cassidy. “It’s ok, she’s a friend,” I assure him. “We have to go,” She says. Just after she does a grenade is thrown through the window.


End file.
